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  • Beth Ann Smith

Sacred Stories: Beth Ann's Story

Updated: Jul 5, 2023

Our next Sacred Story is written by a sweet friend who is no stranger to adversity, yet her faith in the Lord continues. Her strength and resilience are inspiring, and I hope her story is edifying to you. After my loss, Beth Ann was the only person I knew personally who shared openly about her losses. I remember being amazed at how she spoke about her babies - as if they were part of her family. Her outspokenness was influential in my own decision to share openly. I am so grateful to have her share her story here. Beth Ann lives in East TN with her husband of 20 years, Matt, and their 5 living children. You can read more from Beth Ann on her blog - Hey Beth Ann

"I found out that I was pregnant for the very first time the day after Mother's Day, and I was told that our baby's heart was no longer beating the day after Father's Day. One of the first things someone said to me after that loss was, 'You are young. You can have other babies.' But I did not want another baby. I wanted THIS baby, this baby that I had started to love, this baby who was due on my in-laws' wedding anniversary, this baby who we named Cameron."

"My husband and I held each other and wept for days. And I knew all of the things, the things that well meaning people say that do not actually help at all. My head knew them all, but my heart didn't care if they were true. I made a decision right away that I would never say those things to someone in grief. I knew what I wanted, and I made it my mission to never be the person spouting platitudes."

"I was driving to work not long after losing Cam and can tell you exactly where I was on the highway when I first heard Mercy Me's 'Bring the Rain.' I drove through tears as I felt God speaking to my soul through those words. How many times in my life had I prayed for God to use me, to help me show His glory? Was I ready to praise Him in the rain?"

"In the weeks that followed, I became determined that Cameron's life was not going to be for nothing and that I had to use my grief to do something. And very quickly, as other people around me walked through the trauma of losing a child, I was able to love them the way I knew I had wanted others to love me."

"Just over a year after losing Cameron, my husband and I had a daughter. My dreams of holding a baby in my arms were fulfilled. And when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant again right after she turned 1, the thought never occurred to me that we could or would experience miscarriage again. My body had proven that I could carry a baby to term so why would I have reason to doubt it?"

"Again, God used music in my grief. I left a routine OB visit with the news that our baby had no heartbeat. I got into my van and sobbed, and then when I felt like I could drive home and started my vehicle, Jeremy Camp's voice came through my radio and the first words I heard were, 'There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears.'"

"Grieving our second loss was different. I had miscarried Cameron at home through tremendous pain, but this time, my body was not doing its job. So after a week and multiple ultrasounds, I opted for medical intervention. I had a baby at home and the thought of my miscarriage being completed while I tried to care for her was too distressing for me to imagine. However, the anesthesia was not kind to me, and my mental anguish was so difficult. It was harder to believe that I was no longer pregnant because I had not experienced the physical loss in the same way I had before."

"One positive thing to come from that experience though was the option for genetic testing. We learned weeks later that this baby was a girl who we named Carsyn Gayle, and she had a chromosomal abnormality. Knowing that was a relief; having a definitive answer was a comfort I had missed with Cameron."

"It's hard to fully sum up the totality of what I learned through losing my children in a few paragraphs. Now, 16 and almost 14 years later, I am still learning from that grief, and God has allowed whole new lessons to come from the 5 living children my husband and I are parenting here on Earth. The prevailing theme is always of God's faithfulness to me even when walking through darkness and sorrow. I'm never alone in the midst of pain, and for that, I'll never not be grateful."


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